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GRANDPA ABC STUDIOS SET UP AT FOX Written By Daniel Chun (Office, Simpsons) EPd by Dan Fogelman (Created The Neighbors) 1)USE OF WHISPERS/RESUMING IN PLACE OF “THEN” FOR TIMING JIMMY How would I? This is my first week as a parent because you never told me I was one. That’s on you, Sara. Not me. Ever since I met Gerald-- (whispers) And by the way, that’s the name you went with? “Gerald”? (resuming) Give me some credit. Blab la bla. 2) NICE LITTLE PAY OFFS THROUGHOUT And we launch into a SEQUENCE ECHOING THE COOL COLD OPEN - JIMMY DOING HIS THING YET AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME JUGGLING EDIE AT THE SAME TIME. The soundtrack is FRENETIC DISCORDANT JAZZ. As Jimmy goes to and fro, the music gets faster, more dissonant. They also have him struggle to say “grandfather” but then he finally says it right at the end. This is all the ‘circularity’ John is talking about. Brainstorm stuff like this BEFORE writing. Little humps to get over, so the audience feels like something is really unfolding and progress is being made. Circularity: Gray hair, sushi and ponyboy, saying ‘grandfather’, the parallel jazz sequences. We need AT LEAST THIS MANY. 3) GREAT WAY TO INDICATE CHANGING MOOD OVER A SEQUENCE The soundtrack is FRENETIC DISCORDANT JAZZ. As Jimmy goes to and fro, the music gets faster, more dissonant. 3) GIVING SMALL GOALS TO PROPEL SEQUENCES Stamos’ goal is to get a picture with Jeter. That makes him active throughout that sequence. He doesn’t necessarily have an over arching goal that can be traced from scene one, but he does have a series of connected goals. OVERALL SCORE: 9/10 – This is a great script. It has lot of great circularity. The plot has surprises in t. Plus, it is heartfelt, especially in the last scene. It also has clear, well-drawn characters and the obvious potential for future conflict. It is a very recycled concept, but done in a fresh way because the character types are so new, and it involves a jazz-club world that hasn’t really been explored in a sitcom before. It lags a little in the middle, but most of the script is fueled by great mini-goals that give the story momentum and give the reader the sense that things are progressing well in terms of character and story throughout. Also, this concept is ODD COUPLE plus BABY. That’s really important and helpful when you think about it’s future as a series. DANIEL CHUN started as a staff writer for the Simpson’s in 2003. Since then, he’s had an amazing career that we’d love to emulate. CO EP on The Office. Consulting on Happy Endings. CO EP on Hello Ladies. Etc. Etc. Steady work on pretty much only good shows. THE UNTITLED SARAH SILVERMAN PROJECT – HBO Written by Lucy Preble (British playwright)
A change in focus shows STACY’s HANDPRINTS still on the glass from earlier. JUDE sees them and begins to clear them off with her sleeve. 2) COOL USE OF PARENTHETICALS HERE TO INDICATE MIMING JUDE Obviously not real. We use them for shooting. Not (mimes gun shooting). Shooting. (mimes camera shooting)
There is a beat of tension between them. The good kind. OVERALL – 6/10: I liked it, and I would watch the next one. But it was hard to get into and kind of choippy I guess. Still, it came together nicely in the end, and they had a sex scene in a really creative place (and used that place and that imagery well in the scene). Maybe it would have been nice to get a little more sense for what the conflict or the main relationships will be, but maybe not, because as I said, I still liked it, and I still thought it was better than most scripts we read. PEOPLE LIKE US Written By DJ Nash (Brett Loncar, CAA) OVERALL – 3/10: Didn’t learn much from this. There weren’t a ton of jokes. It doesn’t feel like it has a huge engine, beyond the fact that the white guy is the minority, but that was just a line on the last page - - it didn’t fuel anything. Feels like the shows that don’t quite go anywhere. Like “Up All Night” or something. CASUAL (HULU 10 EPISODE ORDER) Written By Zander Lehmann (new writer) EP’d by Jason Reitman OVERALL – 3/10: This felt really flat to me. The characters didn’t have distinct perspectives or goal, even mini-goals, to push them through scenes. Also, this is this new brand of non-comedy that just feels boring to me. Even when we write more serious fare, let’s keep some levity and humor to our work, and not just be on the edge for the hell of it. (Not that this is really edgy, although the characters perspectives on sex around each other and the teenage girl is definitely new). I don’t know. I didn’t connect with this at all. UNTITLED TOMMY JONAGHIN PROJECT Written by Joanaghin, Justin Halpern, Patrick Shumacker (WME and George Collins MGMT) NOTE: SHIT MY DAD SAYS - - THEY GOT CO-EP CREDITS AND THEY GOT THE SHOWRUNNERS WHO CREATED WILL AND GRACE. ALSO, THEY ARE CURRENTLY UNDER A 2 YEAR OVERALL WITH WARNER BROTHERS TV STUDIO. JOHNAGIN REPPED BY WME AND MOSAIC 1) COOL WAY TO DO A COMEDIC REVEAL… WIDE SHOT: JACK SITS AWAY FROM EVERYONE IN CORNER. DIFFICULT PEOPLE Written by Julie Klausner (WME and AVALON MGMT) [email protected] EPd by Amy Poehler PARIAH – FX Pilot Order Written By Dave & John Chernin (WME) EPd by It’s Always Sunny Guys
BING! The SCREEN READS “Maximum withdrawal $400”. JOE (CONT’D) Come on. Don’t do this. He stabs at the display like a frustrated gorilla. A father and son at the next ATM look on.
JOE Then that someone will be me. Because that’s what a man does. He rises to the occasion in the face of adversity. Like when Teddy Williams put down his bat and climbed into the cockpit of a fighter jet to blow up Japan. I will provide.
Roger character is easy to understand right away, plus they put a name on it, “You’re like some kind of gangster red neck.” Give the audience what they want to see. He closes the account angrily, we want to see him re-open it with the exact same teller. Cut to that exactly. CUT TO THE COMEDY.
The end of this script shifts tones to show him crying in the shower, which just doesn’t’ feel right. But otherwise I liked it a lot. I don’t know, maybe that crying moment will be funny, but it doesn’t seem like it exactly. OVERALL: Great joke writing. Fast paced. Interesting lead character with a great attitude towards life that will definitely create conflict for many episodes. Reinforces the plan: WRITE EVERYTHING LIKE A SINGLE CAM. EVEN IF IT’S MULTI. Joke density isn’t just for one camera livin’. TOUGH COOKIE – ABC FAMILY Written By Laura Iungerich (Awkward creator, ICM & Madhouse)
As Lilla wipes frame... MATCH CUT TO: An ELEVATOR OPENING revealing Lilla, decked out. We are... 2)INTERESTING LESSON ON WRITING A ‘SURPRISE KID’ SHOW If you’re going to go for the surprise kid, set it in a unique world, and define the reltionship b/w the parent and kid in a way we’ve never seen before. Grandpa does this. Tough Cookie does this. And for that reason, they both kind of work (well, Grandpa more than Cookie, but still). DETOUR Written By Steve Franks (PSYCH Creator, ICM & Chris Henze @ Thruline) OVERALL – 4/10: Slow. Too much set up. But characters were pretty well-defined. It just didn’t feel FUN. It didn’t feel alive, or surprising. But it was definitely solid. And it was developed and built out well, with a good approach to the rock star (he is a little out of touch, etc.) and pairing him with a hopeless nerd etc. Also did a good job setting up some good relationship stuff and some conflict with the professor. Last of all, there was a good speech moment, and there was also a good closing sequence (where Michael plays his song and it’s really coming together and people like it). There was also some decent circularity — the advice from the RA came together in the song at the end, etc. Despite all that, I think the dialogue and the story just didn’t have enough UMPH. I didn’t laugh once. CUCKOO Written By Robin French and Kieron Quirke (created the British version) 1) ELEGANT WAY TO CUT TO KIDS IN THE BACK In the back, Dylan looks up from his PSP, mimes an intense, tortured scream, then returns to his game. 2) REALLY HELPFUL TO DESCRIBE SOMEONE AS DOING SOMETHING ‘CONFIDENTLY.’ He sings confidently. Rachel looks at him, adoringly. Ken and Lori look bemused. 3) I LIKED THIS. INDICATES FUN-NESS AND A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP. She does a quick, playful “shoulder-roll” breakdancing move. Ken glares at her, unmoved. She cuddles up to him. 4) GREAT TO HAVE A CHARACTER THAT JUST DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THAT OTHER PEOPLE AREN’T LIKE HIM. HE SAYS THINGS CONFIDENTLY. HE SMILES. HE LAUGHS. HE LOOKS FOR AGREEMENT. KEN Oh. Well, good to aim high. CUCKOO Well, most of it was written high, so... He laughs at Ken, super-friendly. CUCKOO (CONT’D) Right now, these are just things I jotted down on my journeys. Fragments. LATER TOBY (grumbling) They fed us better than this in Vietnam. CUCKOO You’ve been to Vietnam! Did you party on the beaches of Phu Quoc? I know right! Mindblowing!
Everybody finds themselves singing along with Cuckoo’s strange Thai shriek. Ken is getting into it - maybe he’s coming around... 6)MORE FUNNY ACTION WRITING. JUST REALLY HELPS KEEP IT FRESH. CUCKOO Hello new family! Well, I never! What an attractive family huh? All of you - so good looking. This pretty much wins the crowd. Everyone is a little flattered. Steve nods, super-vain. 7) AFFECTIONATE IS NICE WHEN USED IN A PARENTHETICAL LORI (affectionate) You funny, funny man. 7)USE SURPRISE IN PLOTS The dad gave Cuckoo money to get rid of him, BUT cuckoo misunderstood him and ended up wasting the money and sticking around anyway. SIMPLE. The money wasn’t crazy important to the Dad. Would that have made it even worse for him? I guess, but if it would have been hard to set up, then it’s totally not worth it, b/c it’s the fact that there’s a surprise at all that is doing most of the heavy lifting. OVERALL – 7/10: This is the best one since Grandpa. Really unique character. Clear relationships. Very, VERY simple story, made unique by this new character. But it felt like it stayed away from stereotypes, which was nice, it was more just about the conflict that will come up in future episodes (exemplified well here). Also, IMPORTANT: The ‘weird addition to family’ stuff is probably pitched all the time, but this did it well b/c it was a unique character and a UNIQUE situation and way in to why the addition is being made. So you can kind of use standard stuff if you can think of a unique or special way to get into it, or if the concept can hang almost equally on a character type like CUCKOO. He is almost more of the concept than the living situation, although the living situation beautifully casts him as the comedy element surrounded by straight men. Also this deals with issues of masculinity and gender - - it’s good that it explores that theme in the pilot, because that’s a big part of what can fuel future episodes. PROBLEM CHILD Written by Scot Armstrong Overall – 6/10: It was fine. There were no great jokes, but it was creative and tightly structured. I guess it just felt a little flat or unsurprising, but still interesting enough and pretty well-written. ALL STARS Written by Judah Miller (UTA and 3 Arts – has had good, steady trajectory animation/live action, rose to CO EP of American Dad) Overall – 3/10: No laughs. No energy. Too on the nose. Not a lot of attempts at jokes. Although it does have a pretty decent engine for a series, so that’s good. I can see why the concept was chosen. UNCLE BUCK Written by Steven Cragg (GERSH) & Brian D. Bradley (UTA) Overall – 7/10: I liked this show. Uncle Buck reminded me exactly of Rick Smith. He was really likable and just seemed like a great guy and he had great chemistry with the kids. Plus it set up conflict in his love life, in his home life, and established that the mom and dad could have stories, the kids can have stories, and so can buck. It also balanced the miles and maizy fucking with sitters and watching bad movies thing really well. 49 PERCENTERS Written by Sherry Bilsing-Graham and Ellen Kreamer Overall: This show sucked. It pretty much has no concept other than ‘making marriage work’ and all the fucking couples sound the same. SUPER CLYDE Written by Greg Garcia (CAA) 1)Good turn of phrase in the last sentence. “Randolph notices that Clyde seems unsettled.” The music gets more intense and the group kicks the routine * into high gear. Clyde watches for a beat and then crosses * off. Randolph notices that Clyde seems unsettled. OVERALL – 6/10: I liked it. It feels like Earl. It is charming and sweet and heart felt. It feels A LOT like Earl. Or Raising Hope, even. But I guess that’s a good thing. This guy also created Yes, Dear, which I always forget. But I don’t think that show has this same vibe. Anyways, again, not a ton of jokes or momentum, but it moved slowly and peacefully and unfolded in a very satisfying way. COOPER BARRET FOX SHOW Kelly smiles at the guys and heads down the hall. Cooper smiles back and pushes on the door. It’s chained from the inside. Neal rejoins planet earth. NEAL BARRY! You chained the door! JOSH Hey, mom and dad are worried about you and they want me to take care of you and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. (off the flat screen) Besides, I love these and my adorable wife won’t let me have one, because she’s where dreams go to die. (then) Gentlemen, I have been married and working for the same law firm since I was twenty-two. There is no need to thank me, because you are about to give me the decade of my life that I never got a chance to live. Now, what are we doing about a first-night-in-the-new-place- housewarming-party? Do we need fliers? COOPER Remember how long it took you to get through high school and college? Well, your twenties are longer than high school and college put together. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - SECOND FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Cooper climbs the last step to the second floor and turns down the hall. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: COOPER You have never had less supervision and more time to get more wrong in your entire life. THE BRAINY BUNCH Great “I need you, and you need me, and this is proven in the pilot” kind of story. Great job using “moving in with mother in law” as a very small, not large story point and.or character REALLY LONG CONVERSATION OF PEOPLE MOUTHING THINGS WITH SUB TITLES WOULD BE REALLY FUNNY. LIKE IN A BIG, CLIMACTIC MOMENT. “TOSS THE CARDS.” “I CAN’T” “YES YOU CAN.” “MAYBE I CAN, I DON’T KNOW.” ETC. VICE PRINCIPALS Perfect example of how you CAN just write the same character for your whole career if that character is good enough. THE GRINDER Chelsea and John hated it. I did not like it, but was eh. Didn’t make me angry. THE ROBINSONS Terrible. Stiff. Forced premise. DO NOT force your premise. Danny McBride light. Without all of the interesting way to speak. Way too big of a buy-in. SIMPLE is always best. Might be good to read for the salvation army show, in terms of focusing on adults and not kids in a school-esque environment. Like in Superstore, a long lost love gives this a little bit of legs or something interesting, but really not very much. Maybe we should consider going hardcore IN LOVE for MAKING RENT. Also, this show was totally unbelievable. Ending set piece of a prom during parent’s night in order to impress the teacher who doesn’t like him back and that ends up getting him the job. WTF!!!! SUPERSTORE As we suspected, the only way to do this is to put in a snobby outsider amongst the hicks who work and shop there. But AT LEAST the hung it on a ‘will they, won’t they’ with the guy’s boss. That’s smart. That gives it more depth and meaning and elevates it somewhat beyond just a rote workplace show. TAXI 22 Strong character makes it a bit of a more memorable show. He stands for things. He has pride. And he has a clear Danny Devito esque voice. Lesson: WRITING AROUND A CELEBRITY VOICE ALMOST ALWAYS HELPS. Even if that celebrity is not even a real option for the part. JOE TIME WOW. THIS COLD OPEN SETS UP SO MUCH STUFF ABOUT THE MAIN CHARACTER. And in just four pages. Really good cold open. We could learn from it, for sure. JOE PURSUES MAGGIE INTO WHAT WAS A GARAGE BUT HAS BEEN NICELY MADE OVER INTO MAGGIE’S MEDITATION STUDIO/CLASSROOM. IT’S A BIG, AIRY, LOFTLIKE SPACE. VERY COZY, VERY WARM. Then the exposition starts to feel clunky. Uh-oh. “I want to do for people what I never did as a doctor…” Etc. I hope the residents expo isn’t this clunkster. UNTITLED O’SHANNON/WARREN Unconventional. One love story told at three stages. 13 years old. 25. Then 40. Kind of like the ultimate ‘one that got away.’ It was good, I guess. But not very funny. It was a little frustrating to read all three years interchanging, but I guess it gave it a little gravitas and maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. But I just wanted to see it stay in their 20s I think. Or really just stay with one of the years. It felt kind of like wanting to get back to the good chapters of a book or something, like the chapters written from the perspective of your favorite character. It was jarring, I guess. But pretty good nonetheless. ANGEL FROM HELL Written by Tad Quill (this guy has had a great career - - spin city, scrubs, and has created/gotten a show on the air tons of times since then, although never past one season)
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