TED (outline)

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1. Opening sequence:
   1. Patrick Stewart narrates. We meet young JOHN, king of the losers, as he’s bullied by every other kid in Boston, including a Jewish boy who is actively getting beaten up himself.
   2. John gets a teddy bear for christmas. He’s pumped. He has no other friends.
   3. John is super lonely and wishes for his bear to come to life. A shooting start passes overhead at that exact moment and in the morning, John’s wish is GRANTED. Ted is alive.
   4. NOTE: This is all about a little boy’s wishing being magical. It’s kind of tongue in cheek but also a little bit sweet.
   5. John doesn’t try to hide his living bear, instead he immediately tells his parents. His dad wants to shoot Ted, but soon Ted proves he’s innocuous and just wants to be John’s friend.
2. NEXT SEQUENCE:
   1. We’re lead into a sort of news-y montage as Patrick Stewart says that like anything else, a talking teddy bear will be novel for a while and then no one will give a shit.
   2. We see reports of Ted on TV, on talk shows, with celebs. He’s a star... and then his celebrity starts to fade. He is reduced to secondary headlines, etc. Then he gets arrested at an airport for drugs... He’s on a downward spiral.
   3. Then, we get into adulthood for John. He’s met a woman, LORI, and we see Lori and John falling in love while Ted is usually in the BG looking pissed.
   4. They play carnival games. John wins Lori a DIFFERENT STUFFED ANIMAL.
   5. They ride horses, Ted rides a dog.
   6. There are a few more quick scenes, mini-gold, baseball game,
   7. Then, John and Lori move in together. Quick shots of painting the walls, furniture moving, wine drinking, etc.
3. We end the opening montages with a close up of a bong. Ted and John are smoking and joking and they’re both still in suspended adolescence, even though John is 35 now. They’re discussing how Boston women are pale and ugly. JOKE: Ted asks John for a bird feed, “I wanna start enjoying the beauty of birds.” John says he’s too high to drive, Ted volunteers.
4. Pulling up to work, it’s a rent-a-car place. Ted scrapes his car alongside a rental car.
5. John gets in trouble with his boss. He’s late and fucked up a car. John says it’s not his fault — HE NEVER TAKES RESPONSIBILITY. Thomas says, all you have to do to get promoted is not fuck up.
6. John runs into GUY, the Patrick Warburton guy, who’s bruised. Guy says that he has a text from 3 am asking someone to beat him up. “Same as last time.” They speculate about whether or not he’s in some sort of gay fight club.
7. Then there’s a foreign employee, ALIX, who talks about clubbing.
8. We transition into John asking for a restaurant recommendation for his and Lari’s 4th anniversary. Guy reveals he only dated a girl for 6 mo and broke up with her after she farted in hr sleep. John calls this intolerant. Fart jokes. Introduce idea that Lori probably expects a proposal.
9. John and Ted lounging again. They are obviously slackers. We learn about their love of Flash Gordon. Also, see that Ted kinda resents Lori... He seems slightly annoyed about the 4 year thing and encourages John not to propose.
10. Lori comes home. She has a good rapport with Ted, she generally seems great. Learn she has a creepy boss who hits on her.
11. Ted and John have a long run inventing “Brewski” names but Lori fucks it up and doesn’t do it right. Clearly she is slightly annoyed.
12. Then more jokes. Just a run about whether or not it’s cannibalism if you don’t swallow. Lori tries to tell John they don’t have to go somewhere fancy. He says they do, he’s been shitting out room for it for days. They start to have sex but it thunders and Ted rushes in... Thunder buddies for life. Suspended adolescence.
13. Lori at work. Girls think John might pop the Q. Creepy boss hits on her.
14. At dinner. John wants to take home lobster face to scare Ted, “What’re you 5?” They have champagne. Flashbacks to when they met on a dance floor. John gives Lori earrings and she’s disappointed. He’s immature about it, says he’ll give her a ring soon. She asks him to get Ted to move out (she’s obviously right, it’s not a naggy bitch moment) and he says can’t we talk about this later? They joke about how Lori’s’ given her best physical years up... soon her boobs and vagina will be in the same place. It’s funny but they circle back to the serious matter... Ted needs to move out.
15. Lori goes upstairs before John and sees Ted with a bunch of hookers, one of whom took a shit on the floor and is now passed out. Lori is upset. John comes up. It’s not a good situation. They keep referring to the poop as “a shit.”
16. Lori tries to clean the shit, gets it on her hand. Gotta learn to cook with other hand now.
17. Ted and John at aquarium. Ted does voices of the different fish, it’s funny. But John is distracted... he kicks Ted out.
18. Ted in a suit. Going for a job interview. He gets it by saying one word. NOTE: This begins a runner of Ted doing terrible stuff at work and getting raises/ promotions for being bold or ballsy.
19. Ted and John run into Donny and Robert, a creepy dad and son who want to buy Ted.
20. Ted moving into new shitty apartment. Sad moment as John leaves a small-looking Ted alone in the hallway.
21. John and Lori alone at last. Lori thanks him and says she’s proud. Joke button. Is that a Flash Gordon ray gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? It’s a ray gun.
22. Ted at work. Bored. Sees Tami Lynn and mimes boning her. She thinks it’s funny.
23. John at work. Ted convinces John to duck out to watch Cheers DVD extras. John makes up a lie to his boss — that Lori is hurt because she tries to break up a dog fight and a police officer had to shove his finger up the dog’s ass to get the dog to let go of Lori. More weird butt humor.
24. Ted and John watching DVD. John tries to guess Tami Lynn’s white trash name. Long joke, nothing else really happens.
25. Tami Lynn and Ted double date John and Lori. Tami Lynn thinks Lori’s a snob, it gets ugly. Lori is upset that John doesn’t stand up for her. She also points out that he’s hanging out with Ted now more than ever, and that his boss called to ask her about her dog bite. She wants to break up. He begs for another chance to be a man. Then he “man-farts” and waves it towards another table. The business men at the other table are very upset. “Who did this to us?” “God dammit I’m here on business!”
26. Ted leaves his register to have sex with TL on top of the fresh produce. Boss promotes him.
27. Creepy Donny shows up outside Ted’s work. TL bails Ted off, but it’s mad creepy.
28. John and Lori go to Rex’s. Rex pretends to be nice to John, even while showing off his art and Lance Armstrong’s ball. Ted calls and begs John to come over. Sam Jones who plays Flash Gordon is at Ted’s apt! John reluctantly agrees and asks Rex to cover for him. Rex plans to traditionally and anally fuck Lori after John leaves.
29. Crazy party. John, Sam, and Ted get effed up on coke and booze. There’s a one, coked-up run about opening a restaurant where Ted says we gotta let Mormons in and John’s like... of course. Why even specify that? Sam is weird. They get in a fight with the Asian neighbor who is offensively stereotyped and trying to cook a live duck. John realizes he’s g2g, but by the time he leaves it’s too late... Lori is walking up the stairs and he pukes everywhere as soon as he sees her. She kicks him out. Ted shows up and realizes what’s happened, John tells Ted to go away... John needs to be alone.
30. Flashbacks of the past. John misses Lori, Ted misses John. Lori misses John. Etc.
31. Lori agrees to go on a date to a Norah Jones concert with Rex, creepy boss.
32. Ted crawls in John’s window and says he saw Lori on date. John doesn’t believe him, they get in a huge fight then apologize.
33. Go to NJ concert, Norah agrees to let John serenade Lori but he’s booed off stage and almost kills a fan accidentally. Norah talks about fucking Teddy even though he has no dick.
34. Lori is sad. Ted shows up and says he’ll leave John’s life forever. Ted has grown. Lori agrees to meet John.
35. She goes to see him and John realizes Ted sent her. He doesn’t try to win her back, just apologizes and says he wants things to end on good terms.
36. Ted gets kidnapped by Donny.
37. Ted calls John and Lori is at first annoyed, then agrees to help save Ted when she realizes danger is real.
38. Robert, Donny’s son, rips Ted’s ear off. Their house is mad creepy. John has Donny’s address, so he and Lori drive to Donny’s.
39. Donny is already leaving. There follows a very long car chase ending at Fenway where Ted falls off a lightning tower, and is ripped in half. His stuffing falls out.
40. Ted dies. John sobs, Lori feels bad and helps gather Ted’s stuffing as it rains.
41. John is no longer afraid of thunder as he and Lori try to sew Ted back together. Ted is still dead but then Lori sees a shooting star and wishes for Ted.
42. Next morning, Ted’s alive! He pretends to be retarded just to fuck with John.
43. Patrick Stewart narrates closing sequence:
    1. Happily ever after type shit. Flash Gordon marries Lori and John. Ted gets promoted and keeps dating TL. Donny goes to jail but gets releases because there’s no real criminal charge for kidnapping a stuffed animal.
    2. Guy realizes he was gay.
    3. Rex gets ALS and dies.
    4. The lesson is: these three people were best friends, and John just needed to grow up and take responsibility and now he did.