Workaholics - Pilot Outline

This is a great pilot. It changed the way people we writing pilots in a weird way. Like everything that changes what comes after it... this is the best version of that genre.

​Written by all those Workaholics guys... Will list later.

​COLD OPEN: 
Funny chit chat about Albino Asians at a pool party being thrown at the house. Ders thinks he's been "sexted" by a random girl from last night, but it turns out Adam has tricked Ders and he gets Ders to sext back a dick pic... to the whole party. 

ACT 1: 
Scene 1 - later on the day of the party. Adam and Blake doing Edward 40 hands on the roof, Ders comes up and is pissed. He has a joint but doesn't want to share it with them. We learn that he has a very tan penis and Adam will taunt him about it throughout the show. They set up the running gag of the "poop dollar." 
Scene 2 - Introduce the workplace and the guys on a sales call. Jillian approaches and tells them about the drug test... She's freaked because she was at a concert with her niece and was adjacent to some weed smoke. Also, Jillian got Ders' dick pic. 
Scene 3 - Break room. Guys freaking out about how recently they've smoked weed. Alice, the boss enters (they do a great job of intro-ing these characters) and she's annoyed b/c drug tests are a waste of time. We also learn that she's sober. Then Robbie, the tester, shows up, and immediately establishes himself as an enemy of the guys... He wants to take them down because he's sure they're all high. The guys are kinda resigned to being fired, but the act ends on another "poop dollar" moment. 
ACT 2: 
Scene 1 - In the cubicle, the guys trying to figure out what to do. Black is researching niacin, Adam suggests arson, Ders remembered the drug test was happening and reveals he has clean urine. BUT he's still pissed at the guys. He makes them eat ceiling tiles, then he makes them drink the "urine" which is actually just Gatorade. THEN he reveals he has one cup of ACTUAL clean urine, which is enough for all three of them, but without thinking Adam spitefully dumps the clean urine all over Ders. Robbie pops back in, again threatening them and reminding us that this is serious. 
Scene 2 - In the hallway, the guys mock each other and try to figure something out. Blake doesn't want to move back in with his move, Ders just bought himself $200 in business cards (this is some great character stuff). 
Scene 3 - In the parking lot, Blake calls his drug dealer to get some niacin. The drug dealer we learn is already at their house, which causes some bickering. 
Scene 4 - Karl is in their living room, watching a censored version of Die Hard. That's the end of the act - get out on a joke. 
ACT 3: 
Scene 1 - The living room. The guys have all gotten distracted watching Die Hard. They see a guy crawling through an air duct, which pays off later and is a great little setup. Karl reminds them that they need the niacin, then tells them it's available OTC at most stores. 
Scene 2 - In the car, the guys all take way too much niacin. They read about side effects of turning red and itchy. Then, they decide this might not work and they need clean piss as a backup. Ders is mad. He had that! They decide to try and get clean pee from children, because only children don't smoke weed. 
Scene 3 - Outside a playground, the guys creepily try to solicit pee from kids. A punk kid offers to sell them his pee, and he is really creepy. He doesn't want money, he wants "something I can't buy." So the guys give him a bag to pee in and run home. 
Scene 4 - The guys collect contraband from the house to give to the punk kid. Blake takes a hit of a joint then feels dumb. 
Scene 5 - Back at the playground, the guys negotiate to buy the kid's pee. He doesn't like any of what they have, wants a zippo to light cats on fire. Blake finally gets interest because he has throwing knives and fireworks. Then a teacher approaches, the punk kid says the guys raped him, the pee spills, and the guys run. 
Scene 6 - In the car, one of them still has a handful of pee but it's not enough. Everyone is resigned, but Adam lightens the mood by bringing up the tan dick again. 
Scene 7 - In the cubicle. On sales calls. Blake is being pee-tested. This sucks, Robbie is a dick to them. Then Blake returns and gets an idea. He calls Jillian and we intercut. Blake references die hard here to give us an idea of what he plans to do: "Yippee kay yay monkey cutters." 
Scene 8 - Adam and Ders stall Robbie as Blake crawls through the air duct. Jillian tries to stall Robbie even more but she's terrible at it. 
INTERCUTS 
Adam and Ders slowly take their pee tests. Blake finds the samples in the storage room. He pees in all of them, contaminating the batch. 
Scene 9 - The guys leave the office, newly confident. Robbie taunts them, but they get him with the poop dollar. 
Scene 10 - Alice's office. She yells at Robbie about how he screwed up all the tests because she tested positive for a host of bizarre drugs, including birth control which she doesn't need because she can't have kids. Jillian is called in to write an apology email and to say there's going to be a new drug test - a single strand of hair. She has a moment where she reveals she heard Alice can't have kids. 
Scene 11 - The guys are gloating when they get the email that there's gonna be a new test tomorrow. We hear buzzing of hair clippers (which is also a slight payoff) and it's implied that the guys are shaving their heads. 
TAG: 
Janitor dancing.