"Bluegrass Conspiracy Article" [sent by Chuck 1/1/2021]

1) Pulled back Fat Loser because the responses were bad. Didn't want people to think of us as writers they do not like.
2) Bad Dads hasn't been doing crazy well either. Mostly passes with no reason, which he doesn't think means the writing is bothering people necessarily. He thinks we will still have options with this script... BUT....
2A) He also said this should not alter the plan of "use bad dads as way in and then go pitch matchmaker" and he has a couple of pitches he is going to set up... (MORE ON THAT, BOTTOM OF PAGE)
3) Calendar Year: Noah said comedy always comes after drama development. Not a lot of purchases have been made yet. Meeting with pods in September is fine. Late September meetings are fine. Studios keep money in the coffers. Would he like it to be earlier? Yes. But stuff happens in October too.
4) SPEC SEASON: If we do not set up our specs - specifically BAD DADS — this summer, Noah thinks we can take it straight to the studios in Nov./Dec. Straight to Kate Adler, specifically. He thinks that should begin in late November. 
5) WHAT TO WRITE: don't try to predict trends in the market. But multi-cams are still the order of the day, so stick with those. 

SPECIFIC MEETINGS NOAH MENTIONED HE WOULD GET:
- Jamie Tarses
- Maya Glickman at Shay Mitchell's company

Then we also have Simon Heuer at NBC and Colin Davis at TBS and a meeting with JAX --- all probably late September it's looking like. All set up by Austin and Greg.

Colin knows Chuck. We talked about cat weed and cat gloves.

Colin was into the matchmaker idea. He actually had an idea for an app where other people ca send witty messages on daters' behalves. 

Colin said that comedy always follows drama. After GRAVITY, you had space comedy or stuff like people of earth. After WALKING DEAD you had stuff like Last Man on Earth. interesting and smart point.

Colin also responded well to Matchmaker thing. Said he had just been in Italy and the only thing everyone could talk about was their dating lives. it's universally relatable. They're always just looking for that hook that makes it interesting. They have been looking for a rom com and this could have that kind of hook...

He said should also deal with stuff like ageism or sexism and stuff. Or like age interplay. I forget how he put it.

Either way, we had a good answer. Because the second level of this show is old milennial versus young milennila.

Colin very much related to the idea that young milennials have never had to deal with shitty tom tom GPS but old milennials still had to print mapquest etc. 

Colin also said they are thirsty for animated stuff. They really want it to have to be animated. no more grounded stuff. Gotta be wild and fun and maybe have that rick and morty vibe. Something relatable that can get crazy, built into the concept.

we told him about south of the border. he said they think they had an episode of THE DETOUR that was a reference to that place. but he didn't ask to see the pitch.

he said we should come pitch the MM idea to him and hinkle etc. that was a week ago, now we're waiting to get it set up.

​K I think that's it. 

We pitched Benny and Gus to Angela, Stephanie and Mike at Nick yesterday. 

Here's the brief run down (with both spoken and submission pitch attached).

We emailed Angela April 3 to say "let's do another thing together."

She sent her needs document over. We all agreed on three things for us to pitch...

1) JiffPom tv movie.
2) Operation Unicorn (tv movie backdoor pilot)
3) Benny + Gus

Both TV movies were submitted written-only. No in person pitch. That's why this will focus on B + G.

OK.

We spent a couple months locking in the pitch with Angela. 

june 11 - We scheduled the pitch for July 11 based on a pitch doc. At that time Angela suggested that we also write a detailed pilot story.

June 28 - We locked the pilot AND pitch with Angela (the pitched form of both). Time to start memorizing...

July 1-3: We started by just reading the document over separately. Then we rewrote sections and created a document for the spoken pitch. (had to make it natural and had to eliminate redundancies b/w the pilot doc and the pitch doc we had written with Angela's help)

July 8:  We pitched to Jason and Ayla. Matt flubbed and got tongue tied but it was still fine. They suggested that we say "He was like" instead of the more formal "he said" etc. They also suggested we make the character descriptions more visual (great ideas, both). They also suggested we make the b + g character descriptions more of a back and forth but we just streamlined instead to address that note.

July 9: Pitched to Austin and Greg. They suggested we stop hitting the GUS IS AWKWARD point so many times. Note: the memorization was totally fine by this point. Never even really got THAT much better over the next week.

PITCH DELAYS: Was pushed once, then another time. Rescheduled from July 11 to July 16. In that time we basically just ran it 1-3 times a day. 

Last prep note: it helped me (matt) to have a couple of parts in the pitch that were jokes that I felt I could improvise on in the room. Like sub in new details or whatever to surprise chelsea and myself and the execs. We should plant that stuff for other pitches (for CH too).

July 16: We got there early. Went to Olive park where people were balling to use the bathroom. Parked on the street which was GREAT. Went in. Played Ninja Turtles video game but it was too loud. Sat at the table.

Talked to Caitlin Fein assistant about how she lives in Glendale and loves it and is from the deep valley. 

Sat in the glass conference room for 10 minutes waiting. 

We had a contest of saying really dirty stuff before the Nick people came in to get it out of our systems. Chelsea won with "horse penis" probably.

They came in.

Small talk: they have Nychos in their lobby. We have a piece by him in our house. I thanked them again for working with us on Swipe. Mike said, "Alright we're not here to talk about that, I heard you've got something new for us."

Angela: "Yeah Mike hasn't heard anything about this, so he's coming in knowing nothing."

Matt: "OK, let's roll."

Chelsea: "OK we're rolling. We're rolling now."

Something like that.

Then Chelsea began.

And I immediately began to sweat.

They probably didn't see. But it was flop sweat (which is something I have been getting lately, just lots of forehead sweat). I wiped it off a bunch, that was probably the most obvious. 

Generally I flubbed a couple things and Chelsea was great (maybe slightly too smiley at the end??)

One good thing: After Chelsea had a big silly moment where she said SABOTAGE! I was like "That's our favorite part. That's as good as this is gonna get."

And CH chimed in with something else and they laughed.

There were a few times an unplanned remark made them laugh. We should always try to pepper that in.

we should also think through -- WHERE ARE THOSE SPOTS? HOW CAN WE CALL THEM OUT AND JOKE ABOUT THEM TO LIGTHEN THE MOOD?

Totally worked when Chelsea's line was "Gus made a joke. And no one laughed." And no one laughed in the room. And I said "Just like right now, except for Stephanie, she's laughing a little." 

OK. That's all I've got. Then we left and sat in the little Nick patio and talked. Tried to call Greg but the phone cut out. Went to McD's and got a DC. Went to that smart and final place where Fresh and Easy used to be on Olive. Bought some groceries. Came home. Bike ride (after conflict of yoga or no yoga).

Celebration at Mama's Lu. Always good to celebrate the small things. Whether or not they but it is not the accomplishment. Everything above is! (We'll celebrate again when they buy it.)

​: )

He read us. 

He said he wanted to talk on the phone.

He called us.

He gave us his spiel. How he got into being an agent. He told us how he works. He told us that his strategy is to get to staff through development b/c it's too hard otherwise.

He asked us our story. We gave him our brief spiel. 

He asked what our goals are. We said we want to create a show and have it go on for many seasons, something like that. 

He concluded the phone call by saying something like:

"I want to lean into this. I would like to work with you. I am going to put you on the Weekend Read so the rest of the team can read you. I want to meet you in a couple weeks."

We said something like, "That sounds great."

Fast forward to a couple weeks later: 

We went to Gersh to meet him. It was a 2 PM meeting. We got there at five minutes until 2 PM.

I would have rather been 15 minutes early but we were running late ish. 

We also hit E on the gas tank right when we got to Coldwater Canyon.

Coasted all the way down the hill. Rolled into valet. Warned them not to park too far away b/c I had no gas. 

Checked in at the lobby. Went up to the sixth floor.

Dark paneled walls. Sleek furniture. Mid century modern. Lots of contemporary art. 

Told the girl who we were there to see. Asked where the bathroom was and went.

Sat and waited in the lobby maybe five minutes while looking at art. That guy who draws ballerinas I forget who.

Assistant came out. Complimented my hawaiian shirt. I complimented his whole get up. 

Went to conference room in the middle with the fish bowl vibe.

Waited another three minutes. 

Agent came in. We asked what he made of the art we had been looking at. What did he see? He said: "Rich people."

Noah told us the Gersh family has the largest collection of contemporary art.
The missus held onto a Lichtenstein rather than selling it for 100K. Years later sold it for 35 mil.
    Was that a purposeful anecdote?
Transitioned to a discussion of how he wanted to meet to make sure we’re normal. Make eye contact etc.
Said only 1/3 agents read us on Weekend Read b/c of staffing season.
Said staffing season is when everyone re-evaluates these relationships. Agents and writers both. Also call it “firing season.”
    Was THAT a purposeful anecdote?
Circled back to say “To be clear, I absolutely want to work with you guys. I dont care what comes back on the weekend read. You’re great. I love your material. The only thing that could possibly stop it is if a partner saw you on the weekend read and said he hates you.”
He asked if we had any questions.
I said, “Team or solo Noah work flow?”
He said, “Your level, it’s every man for himself.” He wants the whole team to sign off so they don’t block anything spitefully, but will go it alone if we want it.
He asked how we make money.
We said Nick.
We said matchmaking.
    we talked about matchmaking
    he said something like “how is that not a show”
    we said we have the life rights.
He talked about how he can’t get the Sharknado guy work b/c Sharknado guy is in a box.
I asked about the Nick box
He said that can be a great life, 200/300K a year. But if you want out, then you have to be very diligent about pursuing broadcast.
    He said Nick animation has 50 guaranteed weeks vs. 20 in live action.
He wrapped it up.
Said he doesn’t do the hard sell. To let him know.

 
The Series - "Catchy Show Title"
 
FRANK is
 
What actor is the lead character modeled after?
 
What traits define that character? Good and bad.
 
What was the lead’s life like before this show began? What is the status quo?
 
What big change is this show centered around?
 
What’s the unexpected difficulty that comes with that big change?
 
What conflict is created when the lead character is pitted against this new situation?
 
What is daily life like for the lead character in this new situation, where his personality doesn’t quite jive with his or her new situation?
 
How is this difficult new situation ultimately rewarding for the lead character?
 
How does this new character have a positive impact on the world they enter, or the people they interact with?
 
What is the format of this show?
 
What will drive episodes on a weekly basis?
 
What is this show about in a broader, thematic sense?
 
 
Main Characters (* indicates actor prototypes)
 
Note: Find characters in from the family, friends, neighbors or work
 
What is the actor prototype for each main character featured in this show?
 
What role does this character play in the lead’s daily life?
 
What is this character think about the unique situation of this show (re: living situation, new roommate, living in remote Alaska, etc.)?
 
What is the interesting quirk that makes this character unique?
 
 
What comedic purpose does each character fill?
 
What’s something that this character has done or does that establishes their unique comedic personality or role in the show?
 
How does each character indicate future potential story lines?
 
How do they add conflict to the show?
 
Are there any potential characters that could only exist in this world or universe? Create them if possible.
 
 
Supporting Characters
 
Note: Find characters in from the family, friends, neighbors or work
 
What is the actor prototype for each main character featured in this show?
 
What role does this character play in the lead’s daily life?
 
What is this character think about the unique situation of this show (re: living situation, new roommate, living in remote Alaska, etc.)?
 
What is the interesting quirk that makes this character unique?
 
What comedic purpose does each character fill?
 
How does each character indicate future potential story lines?
 
How do they add conflict to the show?
 
Are there any potential characters that could only exist in this world or universe? Create them if possible.
 
Locations
 
What are the three most prevalent locations in this show?
 
What happens at these locations?
 
What is the main character’s place within each of these places?

​CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS
 
GRANDPA (sitcom)ABC STUDIOS SCRIPT BOUGHT BY FOX
 
Jimmy’s chef, KEN (44, soulpatch, always up for a party but never invited to one), walks up with a plate of pasta.
 
 
GRANDPA: CLOSE UP on JIMMY’s handsome face, with the eyes and the hair and the sexy everything.
 
His assistant manager ANNELISE (35, Asian, lesbian, hard-living smartass... or maybe she’s just mean) walks past.
 
They look up and the weird guy is standing in front of them!
He’s wearing a blue hoodie and a backpack - think Clark Duke or Michael Cera channeling Nate Silver or Mark Zuckerberg.
 
Close on Jimmy so we don’t see where we are. He speaks neurotically, revealing a surprising level of self-analysis.
 
UNTITLED TOMMY JONHAGIN PROJECT
 
HIS WIFE MICHELLE (31, ATTRACTIVE, IN CONSTANT MOTION, BUBBLY, FINDS TOMMY AMUSING EVEN WHEN SHE’S UPSET WITH HIM) LIES IN BED.
 
 
JACK (TOMMY’S DAD, 55, BLUE COLLAR BILL CLINTON, CHARMING RASCAL, FLIRTS WITH EVERY WOMAN, ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES BUT HANDSOME, SAYS EVERYTHING WITH A SMILE) LEANS ON AN EMPTY NEWSPAPER DISPENSER.
 
STACY (21, TOMMY’S SISTER, GREAT MOM BY DAY, PARTY GIRL BY NIGHT) ENTERS CARRYING HER SON KENNETH (2). SHE WEARS A BACHELORETTE SASH AND A TIARA. JACK CALLS OVER.
 
LINDA (TOMMY’S MOM, 55, PUT TOGETHER, RELIGIOUS, STILL TREATS HER ADULT CHILDREN LIKE BABIES) THE OWNER OF THE DINER, WALKS OUT FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER HOLDING A NEWSPAPER.
 
PARIAH
 
A moment later a STUNNING MAN in coveralls emerges from the garage wiping grease off his hands with a rag.
 
TOUGH COOKIE
 
Behind the step and repeat, Lilla steadies a YOUNG MALE NERDY CLIENT (19) (ala Mark Zuckerberg before Facebook went public).
 
DETOUR
 
Behind the handlebars, and enjoying the picturesque scenery of the storied TATE UNIVERSITY CAMPUS, is MICHAEL STURGES, 32, charming, funny, creative, persistent, and perpetually optimistic.
 
Inside, we see the face of PROFESSOR AUGUST ZARING, Tate’s most respected and feared instructor.
 
Suddenly, a girl bounds down the hall, ANNIKA, Asian, 19, a sunny but driven ball of energy and seemingly the most self- realized SOPHOMORE in the history of the University.
 
This time, quickly joined by ANOTHER HAND. Michael comes to the window. Looks down and sees WALTER, sweet natured, brilliant, and not bad looking for a genius, hanging from the frame.
 
Suddenly, a tough and slightly intense girl, LILLY, appears from behind a pillar.
 
CUCKOO
 
Ken gives Rachel a big hug. His little girl is finally back! Then he catches sight of someone just over Rachel’s shoulder.
 
A YOUNG MAN, grinning. He looks totally positive, totally part of the group. This is CUCKOO, a thirty year-old traveler - attractive, intense, almost inspiring, but ultimately absurd. He wears a poncho, fisherman’s pants, sandals, a giant backpack.
 
STEVE, CONNIE and TOBY wait. Steve is a black fortysomething businessman. Connie is Lori’s 37 year old little sister. She is wheeling Toby, Lori and Connie’s elderly father.
 
* Great way to introduce the group. X, Y and Z wait. Then describe a bit about X, Y and Z each individually.
 
 
ALL STARS
 
GARY (30’s, cerebral, YOUNG ALBERT BROOKS) stands next to a large rock wall with his son AUGUST, aka GUS (7, alpha male).
 
UNCLE BUCK
 
MILES (9, PRECOCIOUS, CLEVER) AND MAIZY (5, QUIRKY, DREAMER), STILL IN THEIR DEMON CLOTHES, COME DOWN THE STAIRS.
 
TIA WALKS OUT. THEY ALL GO TO A WINDOW TO TAKE A PEEK. THEY SEE TIA TALKING TO JORDAN (17, GOOD LOOKING, ENTITLED).
 
 
46 PERCENTERS
 
JUDY (EARLY 40’S, BIG PERSONALITY, LOUD, HONEST, HAPPY. THINK MELISSA MCARTHY) SITS IN A BRA AT HER VANITY TABLE, ATTEMPTING TO PUT ON FALSE EYELASHES. HER THREE ROUND CHILDREN: GRIFF (12), COLE (7) AND BEAU (5) TEAR IN AND OUT OF THE ROOM, JUMPING ON THE BED, THROWING PILLOWS, ETC. IN THE BACKGROUND WE HEAR A PHONE RINGING INTERMITTENTLY AND THE OCCASIONAL DOG BARK.
 
ROBERT, HER HUSBAND (EARLY 40’S, A CHARLIE DAY, BEN FALCONE TYPE. SUPER AFFABLE, BUT CAN GO FROM 0 TO 60 VERY QUICKLY), ENTERS FROM THE CLOSET.
 
IT IS DECORATED TO THE NINES FOR THE ANNIVERSARY PARTY. THERE ARE LARGE DINNER TABLES SET ELEGANTLY, MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND, WAITERS SERVE DRINKS, ETC. ROBERT AND JUDY STAND BY A TABLE, A COUPLE HURRIEDLY APPROACH THEM. THEY ARE JAY (LATE 30’S, BRIGHT, VERY CUTE WITH A BOYISH CHARM, THINK JASON BATEMAN) AND MARNI (LATE 30’S, PRETTY, DRIVEN, NEUROTIC BUT NOT NUTTY. A JENNIFER GARNER TYPE). THEY AD LIB HELLO’S AND HUGS.
 
HARI (EARLY 40’S, A SMALLISH MAN OF INDIAN DESCENT, CALM, CENTERED AND WISE) AND KIRI (EARLY 40’S, BEAUTIFUL, WELL- SPOKEN, REGAL, THINK PADMA LAKSHMI) WALK HAND IN HAND GREETING THEIR GUESTS.
 
COOPER BARRETT
 
BARRY (22, chunky, impulsive, kind-hearted) pokes his head between the door and the door frame.
 
A 21-year-old Cooper and NEAL KANG (Asian-American, intelligent, responsible, neurotic and incredibly awkward with women), stand in the hallway, holding large moving boxes. Cooper’s box is open and filled with books on marketing, business and psychology. He struggles to turn the key in the lock as Neal BANGS on the door with his free hand.
 
The guys exit the front of the building to find JOSH BARRETT (35, Cooper’s brother, attorney, married too young, desperate for adventure) in a shirt
 
SITCOM CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS
 
TOGETHERNESS
 
Slivers of light creak through crummy venetian blinds as ALEX PAPPAS (37), a balding chubby Greek-American snores heavily. Above his bed are posters of Tom Hanks in BIG and Marlon Brando in THE GODFATHER.
 
A woman’s sleep t-shirt is hiked up her back ever so slightly, revealing an inkling of “side boob.” This is the side boob of michelle pierson (36), A SWEET-NATURED HARDWORKING FULL-TIME MOM WHO IS SOUND ASLEEP.
 
The person staring creepily at this side boob is her husband BRETT PIERSON (37), who’s tall, skinny and picky. Brett is wide awake, trying to figure out what to do about this side boob.
 
TINA MORRIS (39), an energetic hotty with a Texas accent, finishes putting on her high heels in Craig Weets’ immaculately clean and sparse bedroom. She’s wearing hoochie clothes most definitely rom the night before.
 
CRAIG WEETS (45) is getting dressed, revealing his perfectly ripped torso. He dons a polo shirt, court casual type shorts and a nifty cap, all branded with the “Scarab” logo.
 
“Oh Fuck, It’s You”
 
NICK MILLER (EARLY 30S, GOOD LOOKING IN AN
EASY-GOING KIND OF WAY), SHIRTLESS, IS IN BED READING
SOMETHING ON HIS PHONE.
 
WENDY COOKE, (EARLY 30S, AN ADORABLE BUNDLE OF ENERGY) IN AN OVERSIZED BEARS SHIRT, IS ALSO IN BED, PHONE TO HER EAR. HER APARTMENT IS MESSY AND CLUTTERED BUT IN A COOL WAY, ROMANCE NOVELS ON THE NIGHT STAND, FLOWERS, PHOTOS, ETC.
 
WARREN CULP (LATE 30'S, WENDY'S KIND, UNASSUMING FIANCE) ROLLS OVER AND HIS FACE ENDS UP NEAR WENDY'S CHEST.
 
HANNAH (21, CUTE AS HELL
AND SPEAKS IN AN AFFECTED WAY: A COMBO OF HIPSTER MEETS BAKED
PERSON)
 
 
Alex and Amy
 
ALEX PROTKO and AMY MOYNIHAN are having the BEST DATE EVER. Amy is an adorably sloppy tomboy in a Chicago Bears T-shirt and grimy Chuck Taylors. Alex looks like a J. Crew model, only cleaner. Despite their stylistic differences, they’re clearly infatuated with each other. They walk down the street, arms draped around each other, laughing at some private joke. We FREEZE on their joy.
 
Alex’s best friend PRIS is sulking on the couch as they watch a
movie. She’s in her early 20s-- a brilliant, moody girl with
a chip on her shoulder.
 
 
Pris is drinking a pre-party glass of wine in the kitchen with Alex’s other best friend CORY. Cory is in his early 20s-- a fussy, twee little who looks (and acts) like he’s seen to many Wes Anderson movies. Pris is dressed very nicely in a dress that happens to have cap sleeves.
 
Nice subtle indication of the passage of time… Alex and Amy, still in their work clothes, are playing X-Box in the living room.
 
Nice, easy and breezy action writing: Amy enters the office, carrying a large Frappucino and wearing her best attempt at professional garb. It’s all a little too short, tight and disheveled.
 

​GENERAL TRICKS
 
GRANDPA ABC STUDIOS SET UP AT FOX
Written By Daniel Chun (Office, Simpsons)
EPd by Dan Fogelman (Created The Neighbors)
 
1)USE OF WHISPERS/RESUMING IN PLACE OF “THEN” FOR TIMING
 
JIMMY
How would I? This is my first week
as a parent because you never told me I was one. That’s on you, Sara. Not me. Ever since I met Gerald--
(whispers)
And by the way, that’s the name you
went with? “Gerald”?
(resuming)
Give me some credit. Blab la bla.
 
2) NICE LITTLE PAY OFFS THROUGHOUT
 
And we launch into a SEQUENCE ECHOING THE COOL COLD OPEN - JIMMY DOING HIS THING YET AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME JUGGLING EDIE AT THE SAME TIME.
 
The soundtrack is FRENETIC DISCORDANT JAZZ. As Jimmy goes to and fro, the music gets faster, more dissonant.
 
They also have him struggle to say “grandfather” but then he finally says it right at the end.
 
This is all the ‘circularity’ John is talking about. Brainstorm stuff like this BEFORE writing. Little humps to get over, so the audience feels like something is really unfolding and progress is being made.
 
Circularity: Gray hair, sushi and ponyboy, saying ‘grandfather’, the parallel jazz sequences. We need AT LEAST THIS MANY.
 
3) GREAT WAY TO INDICATE CHANGING MOOD OVER A SEQUENCE
 
The soundtrack is FRENETIC DISCORDANT JAZZ. As Jimmy goes to and fro, the music gets faster, more dissonant.
 
3) GIVING SMALL GOALS TO PROPEL SEQUENCES
 
Stamos’ goal is to get a picture with Jeter. That makes him active throughout that sequence. He doesn’t necessarily have an over arching goal that can be traced from scene one, but he does have a series of connected goals.
 
OVERALL SCORE: 9/10 – This is a great script. It has lot of great circularity. The plot has surprises in t. Plus, it is heartfelt, especially in the last scene. It also has clear, well-drawn characters and the obvious potential for future conflict. It is a very recycled concept, but done in a fresh way because the character types are so new, and it involves a jazz-club world that hasn’t really been explored in a sitcom before. It lags a little in the middle, but most of the script is fueled by great mini-goals that give the story momentum and give the reader the sense that things are progressing well in terms of character and story throughout. Also, this concept is ODD COUPLE plus BABY. That’s really important and helpful when you think about it’s future as a series.
 
DANIEL CHUN started as a staff writer for the Simpson’s in 2003. Since then, he’s had an amazing career that we’d love to emulate. CO EP on The Office. Consulting on Happy Endings. CO EP on Hello Ladies. Etc. Etc. Steady work on pretty much only good shows.
 
 
THE UNTITLED SARAH SILVERMAN PROJECT – HBO
Written by Lucy Preble (British playwright)
 

1. HANDY TURN OF PHRASE

 
A change in focus shows STACY’s HANDPRINTS still on the glass from earlier. JUDE sees them and begins to clear them off with her sleeve.
 
2) COOL USE OF PARENTHETICALS HERE TO INDICATE MIMING
 
JUDE
Obviously not real. We use them for shooting. Not (mimes gun shooting). Shooting. (mimes camera shooting)
 

1. ANOTHER GOOD TURN OF PHRASE TO INDICATE INTIMACY

 
There is a beat of tension between them. The good kind.
 
OVERALL – 6/10: I liked it, and I would watch the next one. But it was hard to get into and kind of choippy I guess. Still, it came together nicely in the end, and they had a sex scene in a really creative place (and used that place and that imagery well in the scene). Maybe it would have been nice to get a little more sense for what the conflict or the main relationships will be, but maybe not, because as I said, I still liked it, and I still thought it was better than most scripts we read.
PEOPLE LIKE US
Written By DJ Nash (Brett Loncar, CAA)
 
OVERALL – 3/10: Didn’t learn much from this. There weren’t a ton of jokes. It doesn’t feel like it has a huge engine, beyond the fact that the white guy is the minority, but that was just a line on the last page - - it didn’t fuel anything. Feels like the shows that don’t quite go anywhere. Like “Up All Night” or something.
 
CASUAL (HULU 10 EPISODE ORDER)
 
Written By Zander Lehmann (new writer)
EP’d by Jason Reitman
 
OVERALL – 3/10: This felt really flat to me. The characters didn’t have distinct perspectives or goal, even mini-goals, to push them through scenes. Also, this is this new brand of non-comedy that just feels boring to me. Even when we write more serious fare, let’s keep some levity and humor to our work, and not just be on the edge for the hell of it. (Not that this is really edgy, although the characters perspectives on sex around each other and the teenage girl is definitely new). I don’t know. I didn’t connect with this at all.
 
 
UNTITLED TOMMY JONAGHIN PROJECT
Written by Joanaghin, Justin Halpern, Patrick Shumacker
(WME and George Collins MGMT)
 
NOTE: SHIT MY DAD SAYS - - THEY GOT CO-EP CREDITS AND THEY GOT THE SHOWRUNNERS WHO CREATED WILL AND GRACE. ALSO, THEY ARE CURRENTLY UNDER A 2 YEAR OVERALL WITH WARNER BROTHERS TV STUDIO.
 
JOHNAGIN REPPED BY WME AND MOSAIC
 
1) COOL WAY TO DO A COMEDIC REVEAL…
 
WIDE SHOT: JACK SITS AWAY FROM EVERYONE IN CORNER.
 
 
DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Written by Julie Klausner (WME and AVALON MGMT)
klausnerama@gmail.com
EPd by Amy Poehler
 
 
PARIAH – FX Pilot Order
 
Written By Dave & John Chernin (WME)
EPd by It’s Always Sunny Guys
 

1. BE VIVID AND FUNNY IN YOUR DESCRIPTION LINES

 
BING! The SCREEN READS “Maximum withdrawal $400”.
 
JOE (CONT’D) Come on. Don’t do this.
 
He stabs at the display like a frustrated gorilla. A father and son at the next ATM look on.
 

1. WRITE SURPRISING JOKES. AND WRITE THEM LIKE THEY’RE SINGLE CAM.

 
JOE

Then that someone will be me. Because
that’s what a man does. He rises to the occasion in the face of adversity. Like when Teddy Williams put down his bat and climbed into the cockpit of a fighter jet to blow up Japan. I will provide.
 

1. CLEAR CHARACTER TYPES THAT YOU GET RIGHT AWAY

 
Roger character is easy to understand right away, plus they put a name on it, “You’re like some kind of gangster red neck.”
 
Give the audience what they want to see. He closes the account angrily, we want to see him re-open it with the exact same teller. Cut to that exactly. CUT TO THE COMEDY.
 

1. DON’T DO REALLY WEIRD SHIFT TONES

The end of this script shifts tones to show him crying in the shower, which just doesn’t’ feel right. But otherwise I liked it a lot. I don’t know, maybe that crying moment will be funny, but it doesn’t seem like it exactly.
 
OVERALL: Great joke writing. Fast paced. Interesting lead character with a great attitude towards life that will definitely create conflict for many episodes. Reinforces the plan: WRITE EVERYTHING LIKE A SINGLE CAM. EVEN IF IT’S MULTI. Joke density isn’t just for one camera livin’.
 
 
TOUGH COOKIE – ABC FAMILY
 
Written By Laura Iungerich (Awkward creator, ICM & Madhouse)
 

1. NICE TRANSITION ELEMENT

 
As Lilla wipes frame...
 
MATCH CUT TO:
 
An ELEVATOR OPENING revealing Lilla, decked out. We are...
 
2)INTERESTING LESSON ON WRITING A ‘SURPRISE KID’ SHOW
 
If you’re going to go for the surprise kid, set it in a unique world, and define the reltionship b/w the parent and kid in a way we’ve never seen before. Grandpa does this. Tough Cookie does this. And for that reason, they both kind of work (well, Grandpa more than Cookie, but still).
 
DETOUR
 
Written By Steve Franks (PSYCH Creator, ICM & Chris Henze @ Thruline)
 
OVERALL – 4/10: Slow. Too much set up. But characters were pretty well-defined. It just didn’t feel FUN. It didn’t feel alive, or surprising. But it was definitely solid. And it was developed and built out well, with a good approach to the rock star (he is a little out of touch, etc.) and pairing him with a hopeless nerd etc. Also did a good job setting up some good relationship stuff and some conflict with the professor. Last of all, there was a good speech moment, and there was also a good closing sequence (where Michael plays his song and it’s really coming together and people like it). There was also some decent circularity — the advice from the RA came together in the song at the end, etc. Despite all that, I think the dialogue and the story just didn’t have enough UMPH. I didn’t laugh once.
 
 
CUCKOO
 
Written By Robin French and Kieron Quirke (created the British version)
 
 
1) ELEGANT WAY TO CUT TO KIDS IN THE BACK
 
In the back, Dylan looks up from his PSP, mimes an intense, tortured scream, then returns to his game.
 
2) REALLY HELPFUL TO DESCRIBE SOMEONE AS DOING SOMETHING ‘CONFIDENTLY.’
 
He sings confidently. Rachel looks at him, adoringly. Ken and Lori look bemused.
 
3) I LIKED THIS. INDICATES FUN-NESS AND A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP.
 
She does a quick, playful “shoulder-roll” breakdancing move. Ken glares at her, unmoved. She cuddles up to him.
 
4) GREAT TO HAVE A CHARACTER THAT JUST DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THAT OTHER PEOPLE AREN’T LIKE HIM. HE SAYS THINGS CONFIDENTLY. HE SMILES. HE LAUGHS. HE LOOKS FOR AGREEMENT.
 
KEN
Oh. Well, good to aim high.
 
CUCKOO
Well, most of it was written high,
so...

He laughs at Ken, super-friendly.
 
CUCKOO (CONT’D)
Right now, these are just things I
jotted down on my journeys. Fragments.
 
LATER
 
TOBY (grumbling)
They fed us better than this in Vietnam.
 
CUCKOO
You’ve been to Vietnam! Did you
party on the beaches of Phu Quoc? I know right! Mindblowing!
 
 
 

1. TRACE THE JOURNEY OR THE MAIN CHARACTER’S EPISODE ARC IN THE ACTION

 
Everybody finds themselves singing along with Cuckoo’s strange Thai shriek. Ken is getting into it - maybe he’s coming around...
 
6)MORE FUNNY ACTION WRITING. JUST REALLY HELPS KEEP IT FRESH.
 
CUCKOO
Hello new family! Well, I never! What an attractive family huh? All of you - so good looking.
 
This pretty much wins the crowd. Everyone is a little flattered. Steve nods, super-vain.
 
7) AFFECTIONATE IS NICE WHEN USED IN A PARENTHETICAL
 
 
LORI (affectionate)
You funny, funny man.
 
 
7)USE SURPRISE IN PLOTS
 
The dad gave Cuckoo money to get rid of him, BUT cuckoo misunderstood him and ended up wasting the money and sticking around anyway. SIMPLE. The money wasn’t crazy important to the Dad. Would that have made it even worse for him? I guess, but if it would have been hard to set up, then it’s totally not worth it, b/c it’s the fact that there’s a surprise at all that is doing most of the heavy lifting.
 
 
OVERALL – 7/10: This is the best one since Grandpa. Really unique character. Clear relationships. Very, VERY simple story, made unique by this new character. But it felt like it stayed away from stereotypes, which was nice, it was more just about the conflict that will come up in future episodes (exemplified well here). Also, IMPORTANT: The ‘weird addition to family’ stuff is probably pitched all the time, but this did it well b/c it was a unique character and a UNIQUE situation and way in to why the addition is being made. So you can kind of use standard stuff if you can think of a unique or special way to get into it, or if the concept can hang almost equally on a character type like CUCKOO. He is almost more of the concept than the living situation, although the living situation beautifully casts him as the comedy element surrounded by straight men. Also this deals with issues of masculinity and gender - - it’s good that it explores that theme in the pilot, because that’s a big part of what can fuel future episodes.
 
PROBLEM CHILD
 
Written by Scot Armstrong
 
 
Overall – 6/10: It was fine. There were no great jokes, but it was creative and tightly structured. I guess it just felt a little flat or unsurprising, but still interesting enough and pretty well-written.
 
 
ALL STARS
 
Written by Judah Miller (UTA and 3 Arts – has had good, steady trajectory animation/live action, rose to CO EP of American Dad)
 
Overall – 3/10: No laughs. No energy. Too on the nose. Not a lot of attempts at jokes. Although it does have a pretty decent engine for a series, so that’s good. I can see why the concept was chosen.
 
 
UNCLE BUCK
 
Written by Steven Cragg (GERSH) & Brian D. Bradley (UTA)
 
Overall – 7/10: I liked this show. Uncle Buck reminded me exactly of Rick Smith. He was really likable and just seemed like a great guy and he had great chemistry with the kids. Plus it set up conflict in his love life, in his home life, and established that the mom and dad could have stories, the kids can have stories, and so can buck. It also balanced the miles and maizy fucking with sitters and watching bad movies thing really well.
 
49 PERCENTERS
 
Written by Sherry Bilsing-Graham and Ellen Kreamer
 
Overall: This show sucked. It pretty much has no concept other than ‘making marriage work’ and all the fucking couples sound the same.
 
SUPER CLYDE
 
Written by Greg Garcia (CAA)
 
1)Good turn of phrase in the last sentence. “Randolph notices that Clyde seems unsettled.”
 
The music gets more intense and the group kicks the routine * into high gear. Clyde watches for a beat and then crosses * off. Randolph notices that Clyde seems unsettled.
 
OVERALL – 6/10: I liked it. It feels like Earl. It is charming and sweet and heart felt. It feels A LOT like Earl. Or Raising Hope, even. But I guess that’s a good thing. This guy also created Yes, Dear, which I always forget. But I don’t think that show has this same vibe. Anyways, again, not a ton of jokes or momentum, but it moved slowly and peacefully and unfolded in a very satisfying way.
 
 
COOPER BARRET
FOX SHOW
 
Kelly smiles at the guys and heads down the hall. Cooper smiles back and pushes on the door. It’s chained from the inside. Neal rejoins planet earth.
 
NEAL
BARRY! You chained the door!
 
JOSH
Hey, mom and dad are worried about you
and they want me to take care of you and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do.
(off the flat screen)
Besides, I love these and my adorable wife won’t let me have one, because she’s where dreams go to die.
(then)
Gentlemen, I have been married and working for the same law firm since I was twenty-two. There is no need to thank me, because you are about to give me the decade of my life that I never got a chance to live. Now, what are we doing about a first-night-in-the-new-place- housewarming-party? Do we need fliers?
 
 
 
 
COOPER
Remember how long it took you to get
through high school and college? Well, your twenties are longer than high school and college put together.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - SECOND FLOOR - CONTINUOUS
Cooper climbs the last step to the second floor and turns down the hall.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
COOPER
You have never had less supervision and
more time to get more wrong in your entire life.
 
 
THE BRAINY BUNCH
 
Great “I need you, and you need me, and this is proven in the pilot” kind of story.
Great job using “moving in with mother in law” as a very small, not large story point and.or character
 
REALLY LONG CONVERSATION OF PEOPLE MOUTHING THINGS WITH SUB TITLES WOULD BE REALLY FUNNY. LIKE IN A BIG, CLIMACTIC MOMENT. “TOSS THE CARDS.” “I CAN’T” “YES YOU CAN.” “MAYBE I CAN, I DON’T KNOW.” ETC.
 
VICE PRINCIPALS
Perfect example of how you CAN just write the same character for your whole career if that character is good enough.
 
THE GRINDER
Chelsea and John hated it. I did not like it, but was eh. Didn’t make me angry.
 
THE ROBINSONS
Terrible. Stiff. Forced premise. DO NOT force your premise. Danny McBride light. Without all of the interesting way to speak. Way too big of a buy-in.
 
SIMPLE is always best.
 
Might be good to read for the salvation army show, in terms of focusing on adults and not kids in a school-esque environment.
 
Like in Superstore, a long lost love gives this a little bit of legs or something interesting, but really not very much. Maybe we should consider going hardcore IN LOVE for MAKING RENT.
 
Also, this show was totally unbelievable. Ending set piece of a prom during parent’s night in order to impress the teacher who doesn’t like him back and that ends up getting him the job. WTF!!!!
 
SUPERSTORE
As we suspected, the only way to do this is to put in a snobby outsider amongst the hicks who work and shop there. But AT LEAST the hung it on a ‘will they, won’t they’ with the guy’s boss. That’s smart. That gives it more depth and meaning and elevates it somewhat beyond just a rote workplace show.
 
TAXI 22
Strong character makes it a bit of a more memorable show. He stands for things. He has pride. And he has a clear Danny Devito esque voice.
 
Lesson: WRITING AROUND A CELEBRITY VOICE ALMOST ALWAYS HELPS. Even if that celebrity is not even a real option for the part.
 
JOE TIME
 
WOW. THIS COLD OPEN SETS UP SO MUCH STUFF ABOUT THE MAIN CHARACTER. And in just four pages. Really good cold open. We could learn from it, for sure.
 
JOE PURSUES MAGGIE INTO WHAT WAS A GARAGE BUT HAS BEEN NICELY MADE OVER INTO MAGGIE’S MEDITATION STUDIO/CLASSROOM. IT’S A BIG, AIRY, LOFTLIKE SPACE. VERY COZY, VERY WARM.
 
Then the exposition starts to feel clunky. Uh-oh. “I want to do for people what I never did as a doctor…” Etc. I hope the residents expo isn’t this clunkster.
 
 
UNTITLED O’SHANNON/WARREN
 
Unconventional. One love story told at three stages. 13 years old. 25. Then 40. Kind of like the ultimate ‘one that got away.’
 
It was good, I guess. But not very funny. It was a little frustrating to read all three years interchanging, but I guess it gave it a little gravitas and maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. But I just wanted to see it stay in their 20s I think. Or really just stay with one of the years. It felt kind of like wanting to get back to the good chapters of a book or something, like the chapters written from the perspective of your favorite character.
 
It was jarring, I guess. But pretty good nonetheless.
 
ANGEL FROM HELL
 
Written by Tad Quill (this guy has had a great career - - spin city, scrubs, and has created/gotten a show on the air tons of times since then, although never past one season)